Chrono Handle
by TomStrife
Summary: Gather around, as I present you a hilarious parody of Chrono Trigger.
1. The Moving Prologue

**Chrono Handle**

A parody of the Video Game "Chrono Trigger"

By Tom Strife

_I used to have a handle on life and then it broke……………….._

A/N: Thatis the prologue. Did you like it? Do not worry the rest of the story will not be like. Some people use random song lyrics for their prologue, but I just decided it would be cooler if I put a random though up there. Before I begin Chapter One I would just like to let you know all characters are under the ownership of Square-Enix. I would also love to mention Chrono Trigger is one of my favorite videogames, but I just wanted to place it in a humorous light. Anyways Chapter One will be up soon.


	2. A Trip to the Fair

**Chapter One**

**A/N: **Before I begin, I would like to announce this will be a first person story with the POV (Point of View) of Crono. If this changes your mind about reading please just stick around and try to enjoy it. If you find yourself disliking it then I apologize. And I would like to add that apostrophes do not show up when I post chapters so if you see a space between a word and an 'S' then that means that there should be an apostrophe there. As I have announced, I do not own any characters in this fanfiction.

"Crono, Crono, wake up."

I scratched my head and then noticed that my hair appeared to be weird. I hopped out of my bed and marched down the stairs.

"Good morning, Crono, how was your slumber last night?"

"It was slightly enjoyable, but Mother I have to inform you of a few things. One, what the heck were you thinking naming your child 'Crono'? Two, why do you look like a normal civilian NPC? (Non Playable Character) You just look like a random woman with no plot line in this story whatsoever. I am going to stinking save the world and defeat Lavos and save the entire universe and you only worry about me like I was gone for five minutes," I rambled on before my mother interrupted me.

"How about you go visit your friend, Lucca?" My mother said with a grin.

"What does Lucca have anything to do with this?" I asked.

"How about you go visit your friend Lucca?"

I kept trying to talk to her but she just kept saying the same thing over and over and sadly that will be the only thing she will ever say until I go visit Lucca. So therefore, I am never going to visit Lucca!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

No, I am just kidding. I exited my house and walked on the world map.

Ah, peaceful music is playing in the air. I am so pleased there are no random encounters on this map. Whoa, there is Lucca s house! For some reason, it is larger than some towns on the world map; well, no bother.

I entered the house.

No one is there. Well, I guess I am going to go to the fair.

I walked back to the world map and walked to the Millenial Fair.

As I walked to the Leenes Square (Where the Fair took place) I bumped into a girl.

I saw her fall to the ground with a large thud.

THUD!

Thank you Mr. Sound FX man. I walked over to her and extended my hand to assist her to stand up.

"Whoa, you look like a red-headed Goku from DragonBall Z!" The girl mouthed.

"Well we do have the same art designer. Anyways, You look just like the Guardian Princess!" I exclaimed.

"We have the same art designer too!"

We break into laughter and then as I begin to walk away she stops me.

"Wait, can I join you?" She asked.

"Join me with what? I am just looking for my friend, Lucca, and plus I do not even know your name," I exclaimed.

"I am Marle. Marle is me. I am the awesomeness of the Chrono!" The Princess pretending to be an NPC exclaimed.

"I am Crono. You are annoying but everyone knows that I am going to end up with you."

"Pardon?"

"Lets go fight that random robot!"

**BATTLE MODE ON!**

I pulled out my Katana and used my turn to perform a normal attack on the ranom seeing robot seeing "Mr. Roboto".

dOmo……DoMo…….

Marle uses her turn to blast the robot with her crossbow.

"Crossbow! What is the point of that if we also have another party member with a lazor gun!" I exclaimed.

"Because I am actually the Healer of the party but Staffs are overused.

The robot falls and we win. I wish there was victory music.

**BATTLE MODE OFF!**

We walked up to a demonstration of one of Luccas experiments.

"This is a teleportation device thingy," Lucca smiled.

She turned it on a transported from one place to another.

"OOOOOHHHHH! AHHHHH!" claimed the audience.

Just then, Nadia…..I mean, Marle dropped a random crystal into the time machine. It is really too bad….the crystal will never be explained. I cannot tell you why this happened but for some reason a random necklace that belonged to Marle dropped into the transportation device and caused a time warp. Crono , Marle, and Lucca (but for some odd reason, no one else got sucked into it).

**SSSSSSSSSSWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!**


	3. Froggy Strikes!

**Chapter Two**

**WOOOOOOOSHHHH!**

We are now in a different time zone. How do I know that? Because we got trapped in a time-warp. I look over to my left and see my best friend, Lucca. "What is going on?" I yelled at her furiously.

"According to my calculations, we just got sucked into a time-warp due to a random pendant that will not appear in the story again," Lucca informed rasing her index finger.

"Where is Marle?" I asked.

"Swedish," Lucca responded.

"Um….no. Let us look for her," I said.

"Wait, oh you mean that random blonde girl that looked like an NPC. Why to we have to look for her?" Lucca asked.

"Maybe because we need her pendant to go back to the future," I informed.

"Wait, Crono, you cannot use a katana," Lucca informed me.

"Um……why?" I asked.

"Because, you are a main character of an RPG. You must use a broadsword like everyone else," she corrected.

"But Serge got to use a Swallow in Chrono Cross," I debated.

"This is an old school RPG, Crono. Only 3D RPGs can have swordless main characters," she yelled.

I got aggravated and slashed her.

She hit the ground with a thud.

THUD!

Ok, Mr. Sound FX man, you are starting to annoy me. Anyways, I decided to continue through the random forest.

After defeating random goblin-like creatures I found my way to the World Map. For some odd reason, Lucca was behind me like nothing happened.

Great, I get tw annoying girls to follow me. I just wanna get home and talk to my civilian NPC mother for the rest of my life. I do not really like Lucca, she is just cute for a braniac.

Suddenly a random creature approaches.

"No, wait, its the world map!" I yelled.

**BATTLE MODE ON!**

It is a frog wearing clothes with a sword.

"Um…what?" I said puzzled.

"Ribbit," said the frog.

"Swedish," Lucca replied as he selected a normal attack.

She fired her Fire Gun which was Firey.

The frog dodged the attack and slashed at me.

I selected an item and used a tonic to restore my health.

_Miss!_

"What the..!" I remarked but the frog escaped.

**BATTLE MODE OFF!**

"Thou art strong in power and force. Thine must ask for thous assistance," the Frog replied.

"What is your name?" Lucca asked.

"Thine addresses thyself as 'Frog'," Frog replied.

"That will be tough to remember," I sarcastically remarked.

"No, that cannot be your real name. Tell us, please?" Lucca pleaded.

"No, my name is really Frog," Frog said.

"No really."

"Frog."

"Come on."

"Frog."

"Please?"

"Frog."

"Swedish," Lucca replied.

"Alright, I shall inform thee of thines real title. Thou art is really…..Sparticus."

……..

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" I cracked up.

"Thine shalt inform thou of a story."

_**Flashback………………**_

_Thine was an average knight assigned on the front lines. Unfortunately, I was a banana. Thine is true. I was a banana. My closest acquaintance, Cyrus, was a normal human and knew I stood out and thou was the weilder of a shiny weapon known as the Billybob Blade composed of two beings: Billy and Bob._

_Cyrus was aware that I stood out since I was a talking banana so he took me to an evil sorcerer addressed to as Magus the Terrible. I stepped into his office and he gave me a face lift but something went horribly wrong…._

"What happened?" I asked.

_He………..HAD A MUSTACHE! Oh, and he killed Cyrus, took the Billybon blade and left me with a human body and a frog head. Now, I seek a frog body or a human head, and the Billybob._

_**Flashback……….IS AN UNDERCOVER SQUISHY……And is over….**_

"That was a pathetic flashback. A sword called Billybob….?" I said dumbfounded.

"The point is an evil creature named Yakra has possessed the Chancellor of the king od Guardia and I need companions to defeat it before it assassinates the King," Frog replied talking like a normal person and not a turdburger with cheese (No offence to people who commonly speak in Olde English).

"Oh yeah, what year is it?" I asked.

"Pardon?"

I just realized this is a place in the middle ages so they do not keep track of the year.

"Gee, I hope Marle is in the castle."


	4. The Cow and the Katana

**Chapter Three**

**A/N: Just for a note. The following chapter will have references to many other video game series outside of the Chrono franchise. I do not own any of the character used in this chapter except for the form of Yakra that is taken upon.**

Frog, Lucca, and I continued to the castle. The World Map appears to have more sorrowful music. No matter, now to continue to the Guardian Castle!

We are now in the Guardian Castle. We approached the guards.

"Excuse me sir, may we get through?"

"The Castle is off-limits to commoners like you," The guard replied.

"Um……why? Where I am from, we are always allowed to visit Guardia Castle,' I replied, "Right Lucca?"

"Swedish," she replied.

"I cannot wait until later on when you are a less useful character and I decide not to use you," I said out loud.

"The castle is off-limits to commoners like you," the other guard replied.

"Stupid NPCs," I muttered.

"Perhaps thou shalt fine another entrance?" Frog suggested.

"Good idea let us go!" I replied.

We went back on the world map and walked to a random church near the castle.

In the church were four random nuns glaring evilly.

"Oh no, nuns are always evil in RPGs!" Lucca shrieked.

"Thou shalt not fear, for these are different than your average nuns," Frog replied.

The nuns starting dancing to the following lyrics:

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

After viewing that random performance, we guessed that since it was a church after all there had to be a secret passageway that led to the castle. Unfortunately, there was no secret passage so we decided to kill those annoying guards back at the castle.

**BACK AT THE CASTLE…**

We arrived back at the castle to see bodies of soldiers lying everywhere.

"View the unnecessary bloodshed," Frog commented.

"Oh no, do not tell me this game has another Sephiroth copy!" I exclaimed.

The three of us darted through the castle to expect to see a guy with a long sword and long hair that was evil. Then we all realized Chrono Trigger was made before Final Fantasy VII so it could not be a Sephiroth clone. Instead it was a cow.

We saw a cow with long silver hair and a long katana that was evil.

"I AM YAKRA. I AM THE DEVOURER OF TIME AND SPACE!" The cow yelled.

**BATTLE MODE OFF!**

Frog pulled out his broadsword.

"See Crono, he would make a much better main character than you," Lucca replied.

"Oh yes. More like the main character of those lame 'Frogger' games when he goes on spectacular adventures. I enjoy having Frogger cross the flippin street than have him become a knight in shining armor," I ranted.

Yakra pulled out his long katana and lunged at Frog.

Frog readied his blade to deflect the attack.

Yakra transported behind frog and slashed his back.

The blow from Yakra knocked him unconscious and sent him to the officially 'SWORDED'.

I could not help but raise an eyebrow. I just saw a frog and a cow swordfight.

"Pitiful," Yakra commented. "And he thought he was the wielder of the Billybob! Rubbish. Now, fellow katana-wielder, ready your blade."

"Uh, no," I replied.

"Why not!" Yakra protested.

"Because you are a cow and I am allergic to milk," I beamed.

"So am I," replied Yakra.

"But you are fill of milk," I said.

"Wait, what!" Yakra then realized he was a cool and we get milk from cows….and goats.

Yakra then blew up and died.

**BATTLE MOSE OFF! YAY!**

Later, after some scenes that got edited out for no absolute reason we appeared back at the castle with king and queen in front of us. us safe and sound.

"Thank you for defeating the dreaded Yakra. He must have had mad cow disease," the king laughed.

Lucca and I just rolled our eyes.

We were talking to Sparticus. Even though we did not show the scene

Where it happened, the Queen and I learned about the banana warrior named Sparticus turning into a frog and we heard he slayed Yakra so we are giving him the award."

I was angry but I decided to hold back.

"Thine is true hero while though are now," Frog laughed as he accepted the reward from the king.

"The king has bestowed upon thee, Sparticus, Knight of Guardia, a Twinkie," the King smiled.

"Hahaha, you save the Kingdom and get a Twinkie!" I laughed.

"Thou treat of goodness and pleasure is not any ordinary Twinkie, but it is a chocolate-filled Twinkie," Frog bragged sticking it into his pocket.

Lucca and I exited the castle because we could not find Marle and then Frog chased after us.

"May I joineth thou? I must resume my quest of locating the Billybob," Frog requested.

"Eh, whatever, we just need to find Marle," I shrugged.

So we resumed our quest to find Marle.

**Closing Comment: Heh, 170 hits and not a single review. I can accept constructive criticism, ya know!**


	5. Blue Tomato Dance!

**Chapter Four**

"French!" Lucca cheered.

"Thou art correcteth, Lucca!" Frog proclaimed.

"Um…….what?" I asked.

"Theres Marle!" Frog cheered.

Marle waved at us.

We all ran at Marle.

All of a sudden, a time portal opened up.

**SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHH!**

We are in the future now. This is weird. Everything is sandy and rainy and if I walk around pointlessly on the world map long enough, I see a random bolt of lightning.

That is pretty cool because I did not know the Super Nintendo was cabable of that.

We kept walking and walked into a random laboratory.

"This is sooooo cool! We are in the future!" Marle cheered.

We saw a blue tomato.

"I am going to teach you the blue tomato dance!" The blue tomato claimed

_**Blue Tomato Dance**_

_Pull up your pants and turn around twice._

_Begin to dance freestyle and eat brown rice._

_Blink four times and squish some ants._

_Now you are doing the Blue Tomato dance._

_Eat some cheese._

_Do as you please._

_Wait for the bus_

_And do not make a fuss._

_Blink four times and squish some ants._

_Now you are doing the Blue Tomato Dance._

_( 2x)_

-Guy

"What was that?" I asked.

"I am Guy. The Guru of Time. I was transported here after the entire Lavos incident and the Chicken Castle. He ended up killing Crono and I was sent back here and when I became too old I programmed myself into this Blue Tomato body."

"Um….Thine thinketh everything thou said should be in Spoiler Brackets," Frog replied.

"The Kingdom of Chicken? I though it wast he kingdom of Zeal," Marle exclaimed.

"According to my calculations, the Association of Prevention of Cruelty of Baby Cows said we should change the meat type from zeal to chicken," Lucca exclaimed.

"Let us all pretend this meeting with Guy never tooketh place and slowly backeth awayeth," Frog commented.

They ran away from the laboratory.

Back in the world map, we went to a random highway.

As we walked we got into an enemy ecounter.

**BATTLE MODE ON!**

It was a giant red tomato with a beak.

I selected a normal attack.

Lucca and Frog performed the "Leap Shot" special attack.

Marle casted Cure on everyone.

"What the heck, Marle!" I yelled. "None of us have lost HP yet. You are wasting MP for this dungeon! Plus the maximum capacity for a party is 3."

"But why?" she debated. "It is not like I am not here."

"Do not worry, young child. You can level up even when absent," Frog smiled.

The battle was over.

**BATTLE MODE OFF!**

As we kept walking, we saw A random Hunk.

"What is up my man?" He smiled. "If you race me and win, I will so let you pass, my baby."

**RACE BEGINS IN 3….2…..1…..GO!**

Sweet 3D!

I just got behind him and rammed into him over and over until we got towards the finish line. As we got closer, I cut through the finish line and one.

**RACE WON!**

We kept walking and wondering what the crap that had anything to do with anything.


	6. The Muffin of Doom

**Chapter Five**

"SPANISH!" Lucca cheered.

"I was thinking the exact same thing, Lucca," I replied rolling my eyes.

"Swedish?" She asked.

We walked into a giant dome.

There were tons of people dressed in rags all lying there in the dome.

An old guy in rags walked over.

"It is The One. He has finally come to deliver our people!" The old man cheered.

"No, we just saw this on the world map and have actually been stuck in the game for awhile," I smiled.

"Yeah, at least there are no random battles," Marle smiled.

"You are not in the party!" I yelled.

"But-"

"NOBODY LIKES YOU!" I yelled.

Marle walked away hunched over all upset.

"Can you destroy the plant in the basement and waste most of your time to do a mandatory mission that has absolutely nothing to do with the plot?" The old man requested.

We slowly backed away and ran away from the dome.

We are on the world map again and are bored.

Soon after, we found a random small dome.

We walked into the smaller dome to see if there was a small chance we were not stuck anymore.

As we walked in, we saw a giant screen.

"Tis thine first lineth in chapter."

I examined the screen and a movie started playing.

**MOVIE MODE ON!**

A random guy with green hair and a bowtie popped on the screen.

"Are you a pathetic low-life with no friends?" The man asked a random dude with a yellow T-shirt.

The random guy with a yellow T-Shirt nodded.

"Well then, cut off your mullet," The guy with green hair smiled.

**MOVIE MODE…OFF..**

"No, wait…THERE IS MORE!" the guy with Green hair smirked as the random guy with the yellow T-Shirt gasped.

-Insert scary music!-

_**Scary Music**_

_Dum…..Dum……DA DA!_

_Dum…..Dum…….DA DA!_

_Dooooooodeeeeeedooooodeeeeedoooooooooooooooo! _

_Dum…..Dum….DA!_

_Ah, you get it._

1999 A.D.

A man ran as fast as he could through a long, metal hallway.

"Come on, Come on!" he mumbled under his breath.

Red lights flickered through the room and sirens blared.

The man reached the end of the hallway and entered a room that appeared to be a bridge to an airship.

"General Mittins, what is the current status?" The man shouted.

"Lt. Brocolli. A giant earthquake has taken place in Puerto Rico," Mittins responded.

"That will not effect us!" Brocolli cheered.

"Yes, but a giant creature is emerging from it and destroying everything!" Mittins screamed.

The camera got a close-up of the creature emerging.

It was a giant cupcake.

No, wait, it was not a cupcake.

It is a muffin called Lavos bent on destroying the universe.

Suddenly, a random person that looked like Lucca jumped on the airship and poured a bucket of bunny rabbits on the airship.

The airship blew up and Mittins and Brocolli died.

**End of Movie!**

I stared at the screen blankly and then suddenly noticed Lucca was repairing a robot but it looked like something else……

"Hi, my name is Robo and I wanna join your party," the robot demanded that Lucca repaired.

"Okay, so my party now consist of Forg, Lucca, and Rbob as well as me," I nodded.

"But what about the three people being a maximum?-" Marle began to complain until….

**SWOOOOOOOSHIE!**


End file.
